LIFE ROCKS

2007-10-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

There are times when we feel down , and there are times when we don’t .. there are times when u want to grow up so fast that it all blurs out. And then come the times when u wish u hadnt grown up so fast – and u wish had somebody – somebody u could talk to in these times, someone – who would tell u ur still a kid, someone who doesn’t judge u for all the things u do, someone u can be urself in front of, I wish sometimes, I wish it bad , that this was not the power game it is …. I wish it wasn’t so tough all the time, u have to take disappointment so often – so often things don’t turn out the way they ought to…

It all comes back to the basic question doesn’t it – the basic question –
Who am i??

I think the biggest challenge we face in our lives is the challenge to really find urself…
I havent been able to find myself – even though I have practically been looking for it for the past 20 yrs..

I want to find myself sometimes and sometimes I just like being lost – I like it that we are lost – I like it that the quest hasn’t ended – what would I do – if I found myself – probably be dissapointed ……….

i am tires now ... i want to sleep ... sleep -- and wake up fresh - happier with myself......

2007-08-03T06:50:00.000-07:00

Dreaming on... long after you stopped

There's a new teacher in class today, new as in not only new to us, but new to teaching as well. Naive enough to beleive everyone in class is studying, naive enough to believe that iitians can grasp everything and work very hard.

Naive .... but you know what i saw, i saw that the fact that she thought it was all true, the fact that she held no bitter past and was willing to welcome all, with no burden of the past, made us do better than we normally would, and we were filled with her enthusiasm which was not subject to limitations.

it was soaring free and soon we realized so were we.

For once we had come in contact with learning which was simultaneously setting us free....

ofcourse as time wore on, she did not always remain so, some how the despair won in the end. and we also changed back again, but atleast in those few days we flew - and that would not change with time.

so let us al dare to dream, even if only for a few moments - atleast let us treasure those few moments - and let us keep them as shining memories of brilliant times.

amen .....

2007-07-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

---

ITS RAINING AND HOW ..

In the rain thats falling now ..
I sonetimes woonder why and how ...

In the clouds that cover the sky ..
I am looking for something i don't know why..

In the lightning that strikes the ground...
I try to find something that can't be found ..

In the sun that finally shines...
I am looking for otherworldly signs ..

there's an I, me, mine everywhere..
but i can't find a scent of 'u' in the air...

So in the freshly rained earthy smell...
I am trying to find out where i fell..

On the leaves that hold the fallen rain...
I am trying so hard to loose my pain..

On the branches that just turned green..
I am trying to get my slate all clean..

On the forever young green grass around..
I am searching for that long lost sound..

On the muddy roads all so happy wet..
I am looking for someone i haven't met...

..........

may god put a smileon your face ...
.
stay happy ... and forever young......

2007-05-31T11:58:00.000-07:00

THE RIGHT THING...

So many things wrong in this world – and yet so many of them so right –
So many things … --- a melting pot of various human emotions each being played out simultaneously with each other – each human at each time an embodiment of some human emotion – and yet at others – standing for something else – and that’s how we have our world – that’s how we inhabit it – that’s how its run – so what is the average person supposed to do in the face of acts of other perfectly average humans – fight for what is rightfully his own – or accept it as the byproduct of ourselves – stand for what is essentially right – but then circumstances are bound to dictate what is right and what is not –

Too many people are deeply patriotic – too many – yet what happens is we pay lip service to the idea – yes we do stand up on both independence and republic day --- proudly recite janagana mana – yes we may even sing a few patriotic songs – we may beam proudly – on the fact that democracy thrives in India ,, while – is no where on the radar in china.. we are all proud of the fact that we have free media ..etc – but how many of us have actually thought of what we do for this country – yeah I know – I am beginning to sound like some stupid git – for whom all there is, is ranting ..
But that’s exactly what I am not doing ..—what I am saying is there are many things u can do – without giving up any of the dreams u have – just remember even ur smallest actions have big effects – u just have to do the right things – u know the things that they taught u at school – things that effectively will take no time at all – example?? –
Well for starters try a little not to throw garbage on the road – switch off lights when not needed – try not to waste water – and think about the amount of resources It takes – every time u use something – things that may appear small – but have catastrophic effect –

For example did u know .. that a village which used to get only 6 hours of electricity every day now gets 24 hours --- because they teamed up with the electricity board – and started using electricity judiciously. – wow..
Right .. that’s what I said ..
People in another village – stopped using tube wells which was causing devastating drop in ground water levels – and started making ponds etc – so that rain water could actually percolate down – and now they have water at 8 meters below ground..—up from – 125 metres below ground level..

Well the rest is just bakwaas.. but – you know.. if u were to do just the little things that u can do – it could make a whole lot of difference..

Maybe enough of us will read the post and decide to change a little part of urself – feel happier for standing up for the right things – maybe u too will do it – and feel happy about taking up responsibility for what is cool..

2007-05-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

time -- 19:55
DATE - 15th May 2007
Place - kgp -home?? - (yes maybe this now is home)

there is a weird silence surrounding this place now - the rustle of the trees or the chirping of the birds have never sounded so beautiful as they do here -- there is a weird sense of being at peace with myself - there is a weirdness -- the place usually associated with all the tempo shows me its other side -- there is a weird sense of everything being right -- it is a utopian world out here - its ordered - its beautiful - it is a temple of all the things that make the place worth living as they are --

the soft strains of a beautiful piece of music reach my ears -- as i look up -- i see a
beautiful road -- dim street lamps doting it -- but the beauty of the road doesn't only lie in that - it lies in the many memories that i carry of this road -- its the same stretch of land -- i learnt linked lists on - the same stretch on which i usually shouted out to pavan's balcony -- nine out of ten times eliciting no response -- since Mr Halu -- was not listening -- the same piece of stretch we took innumerable fag breaks -- not to mention the road we roamed around on holi day after being sky high after bhang .. or the same road we celebrated sash's birthday -- the road we tricked nivie into believing all that he had heard during winter vacations was fake --- ...

its really weird since its a small stretch of road no more than 100 meters -- so many memories -- so much fun -- makes me think dont u leave a piece of you every where u stay -- that when u move on -- u have not only taken something but also left behind something ....

life rocks ... seriously ...

May god put a smile on your face ---
...

.....

2007-05-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

Twenty......

So… twenty huh? … weird … u have associated myself to be teenager for like forever now… I don’t even distinctly remember the time I turned 13 and became one.. but the most major things in my life … the most interesting , depressing , exciting , happy , sad times … times that taught me so much that if I were to go back to my preteen self I would scarcely recognize myself… my whole self – development process, everything that I currently associate with myself .. approximately came to me as a teenager….

Teenage .. the most mystical , and seducing of times , times which can make or break you , invariably times filled with turmoil. But surely times you cherish forever , surely times you do not forget in a hurry that Is if you ever do , friends that I made now are expected to more or less last me the rest of the time I spend on this planet , two decades down , I may actually be at the half point of my life…. Wow… so I have already spent half the time I’ll practically live on this planet , and what have I done as yet. Well to tell u the truth not much , surely in the next two decades I will have to do some very radical things to actually accomplish things , I realize that my moulding process – my entire psychology is far from being settled if it indeed does get settled ever – something that I very much doubt – so here I am 53 minutes from being in a new place – today when I woke up – I was just an average teenager going back home from college – missing his home a lot – but tomorrow when I get up I will be twenty something which for me is an entirely new experience – I will be an adult looking for a place under the sun – I will be trying to build my niche in this world – I will no longer be liable to be home sick or anything related to that – I will have a whole new responsibility – myself – a promise to myself – something I promised to fulfill dreams I dared to dream lie unfulfilled and I have to move towards them – do something about them – they have for far too long lay un matured – now it is my time to bring them to the fore and go on about chasing something that I truly like and want to do – it is time for me to think about things differently - to do things hitherto undone - to be myself and fulfill the truth of my soul and nourish it with the reward one gets for following ones dream – it is time I say to raise my sword and lead out in the search for reason and existence – no time lie’s on my hand anymore – it is time I get my act together and embark on my personal journey towards self realization and attainment of what I have happened to chance upon this planet – I have spent a considerable amount of time on this planet acquainting myself with it and its various other inhabitants – but now the time has come for me to take the onus on me to take things in my hand and lead them to their rightful result – so it is time my friends – the teenager in me bids adieu to u – and as I turn 20 – I say the things that truly matter for me right now – the things that have come to be understood to be mine –

Life rocks – and it has rocked more than anything as yet ----
I promise to myself that I will die while I am still living – the things I learnt I hold close to me – and the things I did I hold close to me - the things I will do I hold close to me –
The things I will learn I hold close to me – and it is you dear life itself that I hold close to myself – so I say these words which have come to bear a huge meaning in my life -- ---
NO REGRETS -----

Life rocks ………

2007-04-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

A sweet breeze blows on my face
and life is such a silly little case
i could not for the world think of anything else
there's joy i feel and no pretense

tomorow may or may not come
but today i enjoy and soak in the sun
and i dont think of the long run
its right now i live and elsewhere none

life rocks.......... it just does...

2007-04-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

Well well well

Mech test in 55 mins … and I am unprepared as usual….. well there it goes again…
I am always unprepared…. I don’t know for how long .. I have always managed to live at the edge … I can recall a single year after probably 4-5th grade .. when approaching the end of it ...( mind you I talk in terms of academic year…. Which incidentally ends around my birthday..)… yeah so back to it …. Approaching the end of it .. every year I find myself thinking… well mayank .. u have messed this year up.. what u can do...is fine from next year you would be far better….. but year after year I find myself … failing to do any improving… keep sucking more . and more…. And more…..

So … yeah I live at the edge of my happy little life.. I say that because…. Whatever fix I am in… whatever situation I am in…. I live at the edge of it …. Occasionally managing to get thrown overboard as well… lets see…

Wow… mech test.. here it crosses my mind again…. Its bloody hot ..and humid here…and before u think u are listening to some stupid person ranting …. Let me make things clear…. Its true… u are indeed doing that…
Well as it happens .. I am in a mood to rant today… so here I go again…

I don’t really have anything to write….. all I am thinking…is …well basically nothing…

Ohh yeah I remembered.. …I need a calculator….. as well.. which as u might have already guessed .. I don’t have…. And believe me when I say this I don’t really require it…… I have no idea what to write in the test … forget about … calculating…
Well stuff happens….

Haha …….

Chalo nothing in particular to write about…. So see ya guys..

Bye… and have a good week… month … or till whenever I decide to post again…

Bye…

2007-03-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

when the time has come .. and when it has gone back again
just like the waves come and go back to there domain
there will be nothing left just like it was all before.
you came in u lived and then u went back through the door

.....................................................
i donot currently know if life rocks or not
if it does rock for you.. now at this moment if you are happy man/woman
.. god bless u...
if right now u are reading this and you donot feel so good.. remember somebody somewhere is not as lucky as you feel happy .. things could be worse.......... may god bless you too.......

what is it .. you know... you are a person who has practically everything you could ask for..
and yet u feel incomplete .. u know then but u havent realized that everything they told you
was a lie.. they told you it is good to pass this exam .. they told you that this will set u on a pth to a good future... a good life..... they keep telling you .. that buy this buy that maybe this will fill the ever gaping void in you.... may be the new sofa set will make you feel good..
they make you beleive in all malls that this .. the thing you are holding is the thing that you have missed all your life... that this is what u always needed .. maybe this will stop you from feeling insanely empty..........

you know maybe we have all made these pacts with the "devil" .. the pact that we will not do what we really want .. we will all try to do what is perceived to be the right thing ....
and in the end suffer for its purpose

....
today as i write this ... i realize ... even though theoretically i am doing what i like ... that though theoretically i should be a happy person... i am not ...one .. maybe because .. the place i have come to hasnt really given what i was looking for.. maybe i havent taken it ...

have i lost the way ..... i may ask... but .. i know to ask is foolishness... cause i already know the answer.... yes .. i have lost it ... but ... now that i know i have lost the way...
i promise to myself i will find it again...........

and again i will rise......
like i dont know what..
i may be foolish not wise
but i have found what i sought.....

chalo
see ya bye........

2007-01-30T04:12:00.000-08:00

"The fear of death is not fear of death itself
it's the fear of not having lived enough"

- anon

so fucking true .............
so lets go out and live out our lives......

2007-01-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

Like sand on the shores
My mind dwells on you
But it still recedes no more
The thoughts come to me far and few
My mind goes blank and cold
Like December morning dew
Yet shines on like a pearl
Ensconced in thought my memory of you

Water lashing at my feet
The summer sea smells so sweet
Every breath I take I ask for more

All the times I saw you
I knew, but I didn’t have a clue
I knew to have you would be my fall
But to think of you and have you was all

The sand has slipped beneath my feet
I am standing here on this empty street
Outside your door I stand alone
You I haven’t found, but have known

I think of you,
And I know I flew

To stand tall, my friend is not the end
The fall you fear is around the bend
But fear not cause you don’t know
There’s no opportunity I won’t blow
To take the fall and miss being tall

Cause if you haven’t fallen
You haven’t seen
Life as it could have been

If the rain didn’t fall
You wouldn’t know
The magic of a wet summer’s brawl

Do u know how its good to bend
To know someone to depend………

2007-01-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

What do we define others to be ?
Can we ever do and not be
Someone we do not like or care
I don’t know how u may dare
To see and still not speak
To drown and not know how deep
The hole that u have plunged in is
Is the thing u truly say yours or his
Don’t we all own everything around us
Do we really own anything around us
Don’t u think both questions mean the same
Don’t u think, the statistic’s part of the game

Did u think u have a claim to fame
Did u think fame is something to aim
To be yourself still be happy
May sound to you all wet and sappy

But believe me its not the whiners whine
Or the winners roar that counts
It is the sigh of satisfaction
that is truly the attraction

what u have known yet or found
is that ur not really free or bound
till u think there is something to achieve
there’s nothing ur going to receive

Receiving or giving are part of the game
that says to us life is my name

why do I write about life so much
don’t I have another topic to clutch
do u think I am weird or crazy
join the queue u are no new daisy

I’ll have to cut it short here
Cause no thoughts come I fear
There are no things I can speak of henceforth
That will not impact ur life and make u worth
More than a penny less than a pence
Believe me this world is all nonsense
Yet see it live it and experiment it
But my friend never do the believing bit

Do u think I sound like a git
Well what can I say I think it’s a hit
The word suits me fine
So I introduce myself as it at the dine
After all I am only nine
Teen- ha I fooled u – ur mine

2006-12-29T07:15:00.000-08:00

Current music – none

Current location – home ( is it ??)

Current mood – mixed

Well where do I begin – a lot of questions arise in my mind – a lot of thoughts sift through it – on one level I am stunned by a piece of news that my dear good friend dheeraj has conveyed to me --- mind u only stunned – I am pretty happy about it – although I didn’t see it happening I did never rule out the possibility of it happening --- still it’s a little weird and I cant help but think life will not be the same at kgp once I head back – but the best part is nivie’s reaction – the poor guy has gone into shock –lets see how much time it will take for him to recover – anyway life will be fun and things thankfully stand much clearer today than before – we have one major major problem wiped out from our head ----things have obviously dramatically changed over the vacations still change is welcome and I welcome it with open arms – lets see what life has to teach us at this turn –

I am not really very bored in Mumbai any more – the latest addition to my already overburdened schedule ( note this includes a lot of time ‘doing nothing’- a new zen form of meditation which I have taken a liking to) yesterday was this – a school friend of mine – lost her father --- heart attack u see ( do I sound cheerfull – I swear I am –not--) – so we went to meet her yesterday – I don’t know I feel kind of numb – I mean it wasn’t until I walked up into her flat that I was hit by some real feelings – I mean the whole thing felt so surreal – it was like --it’s a game or something – I mean I myself felt no emotional twinge uptill I met my friend – but I was shocked of the fact that why was I not feeling any emotions – I mean am I less than human now – I don’t even know what human is now – hey u know what its funny na – when we went up there talked to this friend of mine – and then came down back again – the one thing I was always conscious of – was smiling – we do tend to smile a lot u know – I mean I only realized it yesterday when we went up to her place and I mentally had a note of not smiling in my mind ( I know the drill-- why should smiling be bad anywhere – but dude I am at a friends place – I assure u at my death people will be given full license to smile) – but we do smile a lot – I wonder if it will be the same when we grow up – will we still be smiling like we do now –when we grow up more –I mean the “real” adults don’t really seem to be smiling so much – well who knows – but life is pretty unpredictable – i wish my friend all the best – I hope someone up there will give her enough strength to deal with the situation ---

Another thing crossing my clogged mind --- I just read about some of the dalit killings of khairlanji – man its gross – the whole way in which the upper caste worked to attack them – and the gruesome way in which people were attacked is unbelievable – I mean my mind has stopped working – its not human – my whole system is asking me what exactly is humanity --- I mean if people can act in this way then – what is life – and its not the act of a single human being – that ican be whisked away and explained – it was a community at large – how can they do it – how can people be so unpeople like – even animals wont be like this – they cannot be – I mean – if u get furious with the people who did this after reading the following account on this website ( http://www.geocities.com/badolesandeep/khairlanji.pdf ) --I don’t blame u – its absolutely normal --- how can they do it --- what is this caste system --- why was it born – who gave people the right to believe they are better than others – and this total abject domination – what does it all point to --- what kind of society are we –how can I say mera bharat mahan – after reading this – I mean in a country that prides on being family centric and modest and where sex is still a taboo --- how can a group of villagers with there wives inflict such damage on fellow human beings – what could be the provocation for this --- surely nothing can provocate people to commit crimes –the kind which I have ran out of adjectives to define ---- but it is the trend in India – inevitably people in our country choose to make sex an off limits topic --- and then crimes commited are sexual in nature – I probably don’t have to remind u the whole Gujarat affair --- where numerous women were gangraped ---- its……. I don’t know – this just pulls me -- the eternal optimist in a shade --- I don’t know – my country is in trouble ---- we are all in trouble ------ life doesn’t necessarily rock -- it may or may not – depending on how lucky u are and which end of the caste spectrum are u born in ………….

Sad …. I know

May god put a smile on ur face ( I propose a silent prayer for all those people caught on the wrong side of the crossfire – and also for those deranged souls --- who don’t really have souls ---- please please god bring peace to my world --- please ….)

Take care people --- cause I don’t know what this world will think of throwing at u next ….

See ya

2006-12-29T07:13:00.001-08:00

A Cinderella story

Today at the centre I saw the power of stories – young kids mesmerized by stories – -- Cinderella --- a fairy tale about dreams coming true – held so much of a meaning for the kids … the response the story elicited at every twist and turn would have ekta kapoor envious ---- even though the story was in English and the kids at best faintly understood English – they had the pulse of the story – proving how these stories not only transcend national but even language barriers --- it seemed to me that I was again a kid of age 10 since the story though very well known to me – once again captured my attention – although I was deeply amused and affected by how the kids took the story … it is so very real to them that when u see them listening to the story – u urself cannot deny the realness of the story -- it was a like revisiting my childhoods.

All the girls managed to swoon at the costume of Cinderella for the ball – illustrated by a beautiful drawing – on being later asked to draw what they wanted to be when they grow up --- a lot of them drew doctors, lawyers etc but one managed to copy the Cinderella photo and proceeded to tell the teacher how she wanted to be Cinderella --- well what can I say ---- the students are absolutely adoring -- on the whole the whole experience is one that is as warm and good as freshly baked chocolate cake --- awesome I would say – made me revisit my grammar ---- I realized I am not the best category of people to teach grammar --- half done only but don’t feel like typing …. Well………………. See ya.

2006-12-29T07:10:00.000-08:00

“why the hell didn’t you send the balance sheet till now --- I want it at the table now.” ----phooof ---- I am tired – shit I am tired – I don’t know why I just shouted like a demon from hell --- but looking at my reflection in the spick and span office that I have made for myself--- I see a tyrant – no longer liked by anyone – my marriage ain’t working –and nor do I really know my kids –I see someone who has given the best years of his life to work –only to find at the end – that he is at the same point as 20yrs back --- I feel despise for myself --- I don’t know I didn’t want this – I started as a merry young man – willing to dream big and work for it ---- but I ended up as this – I don’t know --…

“sir , the balance sheet.” ---“hey listen – I am sorry – have no right to shout at you like that – forgive me if u can, please “ ---“ you can go now ,thank you”,

looking down at the vast city sky line extending beyond my eyes – I see only failure --- the more people are scared of facing their realities – of staying on the ground --- the higher they make the buildings --- and people would pay anything to stay somewhere –which doesn’t make them realize who they really are – as am I – a mere pawn in this game – the society stifles me and I am forced to take shelter in height – and so I remain -comfortable in my own cocoon –knowing – yet not knowing that I am a refugee – on the run from my own country –the level ground and taking the abode of the birds ---

a knock wakes me up from my reverie --- “ come in “ ---- “sir, you have an appointment in 15 minutes, Mr gupta has called for conformation , and sir just a reminder – u have appointments lined up for the whole afternoon”

------ “hmm –listen cancel all my appointments for today and tell everyone that tomorrow’s a holiday – anyway kumar how’s your daughter --- and family “ -------“fine sir I’ll do that –sir and yeah my family is pretty happy – so is my daughter, thank you sir“

---- -“ yeah well, god bless you” ---

I cant take it anymore --- its stupid while my own family is breaking up –this guy has a happy family – and they told me – money could cure anything – how stupid – here I am at this point in my life – where I feel more dead than alive – where I dread waking up – since I would have to face the world – where I am still required to pretend in a stupid world that I am respectable and happy man --- I cant share my unhappiness – since I cant tell young people that money will not necessarily make you happy --- u know what I am going to do – I am going to exactly tell people that how screwed up it can get -------------------------------

Next day newspaper --- headlines ---

Shocking news --- gruesome incident --

Mr kedia commits suicide – throws himself with car over bridge – elaborate suicide letter found – company manager inherits billions from him --- family refusing to comment --- son reported to have said he was expecting it , reportedly brawled on hearing loss of inheritance --- industry pays homage -------------------------------------------------------

2006-12-29T07:02:00.000-08:00

The silence on the other side of the gate – soldiers on one side trying to break it down – soldiers on the other side waiting patiently for the inevitable ---the fight till the end ---the heroism of it all --- but also the folly that it is -- man against man – cities burning – whole civilizations razed to the ground – yes I am living in such an age --- today it is my city – the place I have come to call home --- I wait on the other side --- THONG --THONG –THONG –THONG – the gate will not hold for long –“untilllll ….deaaaathh”---yes I say --- yes –it would seem a drug has coursed through my veins—for pain I feel not – fearless I have become – my wounds I cannot see—I raise my sword and let out a cry -- till death it will be ---and at last the gate gives way – and in comes a horde –out to destroy everything in sight --- fight we do –like never before – one .two .. three……nine ………..fifteen …..i lose count of how many souls I have sent to the heavens – the gods --- will they forgive me –they would I know –it is honour I fight for --- mine , ..my fathers ,…my lands --- I fight for good itself --- but who decides good , bad – wasn’t the last man I killed fighting for the same things as I –didn’t I see in his eyes –till my sword struck – the same honour and righteousness as shines in my eyes this very moment --- I cannot think – so I lift my sword once again and plunge into the horde --- steel meets flesh –my blade bathes in blood --- but the horde keeps pouring in --- it is an immeasurable tide of humanity –or is it humanity –no certainly not – I see fire – the burning of the dreams , the lives, the splendour , the rich history , the honour of my land – its over – they have taken my land --- its gone – but is it truly my land – a strange sense of peace overtakes me – I feel nothing – for the first time in my life I see things as they are and as I see the great bird fall and burn – the great fall of my land comes to me crystal clear– destined to death--- that’s what all things are ---the end of all things must come – I realize --- and so my city is reduced to ruins – I see the times I played on its mud lined streets –I see myself getting commissioned in the army – I see myself meeting her – I see our marriage – I see the numerous battles I have fought – I see my child --- and I see no more – darkness it is --- my wounds finally give way --- my broken body asks for rest and I embark on the longest journey of them all --- death…………

2006-12-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

Goodbye

It’s the end today. The day u are born – u are marked – u have become marked by that guy up there who is the ultimate nemesis of the human being – death – so today I embrace it – its my time today – it has come to me today – like it has come to countless individuals before me – and will keep coming after me – taking with itself – each of u – to whom this open letter of mine is addressed – a luxury death has allowed me –as a last wish …..

Its funny how when u look back at it – time seems to have run along and brought me to my fate here – I remember times in my life when I wanted things to rush along – my painful times –the times – I wanted to grow up too fast – but standing here all those awkward times – seem so artistically beautiful – I wanted them rushed – I couldn’t take them at all – but now I look at those times with longing – hoping that I have not had rushed them – wishing time – even full of pain – but time --- since if there is something that tells u u are alive –its pain – alive –what a weird word – an adjective I used to describe myself as for so long – but wouldn’t be able to anymore – but strangely –I feel so alive – so fresh –as if I have woken up after a lifetime of sleep – but alas too late – or not --…..

But if I look back at life – I see no regrets – even death has been favorable too me –taking me in its shelter – saving me from times I probably couldn’t take – I have lived a life only of youth – something not many people can say – I have seen only true honesty and friendship – maybe a glimpse of true love – I have not grown up enough to see treachery – to see old friendships wither away against the many forces of life – I am content to have known life only in its most beautiful moments –

I would like to say thank you –a heartfelt one to all those souls – I have had the good fortune to connect with in this world here – I have received joy –un bound joy through all my encounters with all the people I have met – I hold no ill will against anyone in my life – I wish everybody all the best in there lives --- I can barely write this letter through my shaking hands --- but my heart cries out in gratitude – thank you everyone for the wonderful experience in life u have given me – all the beer parties pavan – all the nights dheeraj – the last minute scramble for assignments – the ETDS – workshops –the play itself – every one on the crew – the cut crew --- the governors – bhaatu of course –

-- all my school friends – my school teachers – rahul – man I am coming to meet u – just a few moments – all those stupidities in college – the gorai night out – nishi –all the fun we had – the stupid smoking up at 16 – thakur village – RD , bitu – dj – all of u u have contributed enormously to my life – I have had the good fortune – excellent fortune – of meeting u people – my parents of course – possibly the biggest influence in my life – u couldn’t have been better parents – my sister – my sweet sweet sister – I am going but remember – I am always there for u – for our connection cant be severed --all my teachers –whom I had the good fortune to meet --- nivie don’t I keep telling u I am the luckiest person on earth –well I am god dammit –I sure as hell am – cause I got to know u people -- I got to spend vital times with u guys – malini – my cute little sister – I will be looking over you from above – sweta – u and ur unlimited balance – heartfelt –u will have a blessed life – manisha – don’t be –ve – life is too good – believe me – and thanks for differential equation – hardika – well u are one happy person – stay that way – snob – well – santa – my last joke – u have an amazing attitude – but ur depressing times – can be a pain – believe in my favorite phrase --life rocks--- -- sashwat beta tu bada khush – hai khush hi rehna , dheeraj , pavan , nivie – I don’t even have to say anything to u since – I am so good at giving advice – u have been facing it for the last four months – but dheeraj remember – physicists are god – and mr niit diploma – u too remember it ……..

well don’t have too much time –I can taste blood – and for once.. – I cant even say see ya –cause I wont see ya – but – yes – may god put a smile on ur face –

ps ; don’t dare to cry for me – since the only thing – I am sad about – is getting separated from u guys – I fully intend to enjoy death as well – will miss u people forever and forever …….bye ---

2006-11-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

Current music – aicha

Current location 207.5

Mood – upbeat

Studying till now –finally got the hang of three phase – cool its pretty easy –

Just a little lonely – tried checking orkut no one I know – no body online on any damn messenger --- shit .. well some days are like that only cant help it – u know – anyway –mood upbeat ? well that’s for acads – u know I finally studied –so I am happy –don’t wanna get chucked out of the insti –right?

I was looking at all the buildings of our hostel - u know wondering what is all this meant for –how come we built all these shelters for other humans to live – how did we humans –hunting with imprecise tools – living in caves manage to do all this – I mean think of the average humans time pass – about 20000 yrs ago – hunting –farming – making clothes etc –

The only creative thing I could think of that they would have done was probably paint on the walls –what do we do today –read books – listen to music – and a lot of other stuff – I mean I don’t have to mention all the activities on the computer – but think about making music – I mean did the humans of that time have all these other things to do –to bring out the creative talent in them –it was only survival—right .. wow –how we actually reached where we are amazes me – I mean look at communication –how that has changed – everything – mind boggling –

Another thing –what are all these hostels built for – I mean what is the meaning of all these – they have been built to nurture our talent –to train us to be engineers , MBA’s scientists – etc -- to help evolve the human race further –so that we take the human race to places we cant even imagine – like our ancestors couldn’t have imagined where we are right now – I mean this whole university funda is this right that we are able to evolve further – wow right –its like this –that we humans have this forsight –however bad we may have been – we collectively look towards the future –so that the coming generation can reap the benefits of today –I mean think of Newton –did he actually ever get to see all the progress we were able to make out of his theories –so why did he do it –why in heavens name would somebody go on to invent calculus (personally I ask this question every time I open iyengar) – when there was perceivably no need for it – yeah I know he probably did it courtesy our quest for understanding things –but I thing the underlying thing is survival here – we learnt that --without evolving we would be wiped out pretty fast – so we developed the whole –quest for understanding thing – cool na

So here we are at this place – cause someone somewhere thought and understood that we need to keep changing ----and yet still look at the things surrounding the world – people constantly oppose change –in the name of culture –indentity etc – we feel threatened by change – insecure –when it is in our instinct to change – stupid huh ----

Well what can is say

Well whatever –rounding of a pretty confusing blog –(maybe cause I am dead sleepy --)

See ya

And may god put a smile on that sweet face of urs (strictly for the female kind –guys may u also smile – but I’ll be damned if I ever say sweet face )

2006-11-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

Current music – stairway to heaven

Current location ---207.5

Mood –cool

Hey – how is everyone – I know don’t tell me ---acads ----well what can I say – we had a lot of fun today –dinner at LS –hmmm…… malai kofta… …heaven..–poor dheeraj he is still not feeling well ---- but we still had loads of fun –spitting contest outside LS (as in titanic) HK won – absolutely fun – totally awesome --……sometimes words cant explain stuff right .. I mean certain emotions –they cant capture…

Well I was wondering what are words – they are certain guttural sounds – we make that we have understood are supposed to stand for an emotion ---what is that emotion –is everybody’s own interpretation -- its understanding is something deeply personal – that is why languages are supposed to be so much fun –I mean each language has a set of words denoting certain emotions –and depending on the language – the exact degree of the emotion is determined – I mean there’s a reason –why being bilingual is so much fun – right cause there are some words in some languages which capture the perfect emotion in a perfect way – for example zinda and jeevit are both going to be translated in to alive in English –but u know there is a world of difference in the meaning of these word s— or look at haasil –is there a word that exactly defines that in English---that’s why languages are so cool … -

---another interesting thing in languages are cause they are so localized –they evolve in a unique way -- the thing of importance in every language always has many words –defining different degree’s of that thing for example --- in Hindi we have different names for each of our relatives – a necessity –since when we used to live In a joint family –there are usually too many uncles and aunts around d—so u have to give names for every one of them—paternal uncle has one- maternal uncle has one – etc –while in English there is only one name for all ----I ve heard for Eskimos –there are many words for snow ---

cool right –for they are surrounded by snow – so that is the important thing in there life –

well wondering I was –as to what it is in English that we have too many words for – and u know what if u look closely at it –at least in the English we speak –its sex …… ha ha

so coming back to words –words are usually inadequate –to describe that feeling that u have – also there is the theory –that TRUTH cannot be expressed in words –as such if u try to define the truth of love – of what exactly is love – u will know what I am talking about –it is impossible to define love – I mean try to say u love somebody –I mean try to explain into words ur feelings for that person its impossible right –and try defining truth – that’s why eyes are better at communicating –since u can look in the soul of the other person –and it will communicate to ur soul –and that is understanding – understanding someone is not tough –what is tough is to put that guy (gal) into words –I mean how can we define the existence of that person –which is truth itself into mere guttural sounds I mean can u actually define what a sphere is –when u say the world is a sphere –there is that shape u are alluding to which the other person knows about –but suppose u had to explain to someone in mere words what a sphere is would u be able to do it – nope I don’t think so –cool na -- this whole thing is so beautiful that what can I say – I cant actually –

that’s the reason why most of us are born uncomfortable with emotions –since we have to handle them in the currency of language –which is not our true nature –u know on a lighter note –dogs cant communicate supposedly (in words …that’s there definition of communication) but they are more successful in mating – and finding the right people ( oops dogs) – and we supposedly the higher more evolved species --- lost in the world of verbal communication fail to find the right people –since u will say something the other person will think something – so u think like a thousand times before saying – stupid ha ….. ha ha

well what can I say the world is flawed like the people living in it --but it wont be fun without that -- right .. lol cool LIFE ROCKS

may god put a smile on ur face (trying hard to inject true meaning in those words ..seriously may everybody on earth smile today just once .. have there share of happiness and goddd I seriously don’t want anything else from life)

2006-11-09T04:39:00.000-08:00

Current music – phantom planet – California
Current location – 207.5 ---balcony –
Mood – upbeat

--I am thinking – what am I thinking —I don’t know – nothing actually – so this is a no thinking blog – well lets –see I was wondering what to do –if no comes –anywhwere – so u see I am bullshitting – lets see –why I am doing that –actually u cant see reason –can u either u understand it or the understanding part is so clear u get it as soon as u lay ur eyes on something ..—so what am I saying anyway – huh –well I don’t know –just wound up a not so bad day -- -- actually got screwed in the viva -- it wasn’t so bad though –so u see my mood – I was late for the lab – then forgot to wear shoes –so had to go back –then the experiment turned out only ok a best –but still as u can see at the top –mood upbeat –well what can I say -- there are days –when u cant help it –u just feel so good –I can remember somebody’s smile – I can remember the sheer fun we had –well goddd----

here I am listening to knocking on heavens door – and suddenly as I type this down –I can see this thought forming in my head –am I knocking on heavens door – cool right – imean I am alive allright –but I feel just so alright –I don’t know as if things couldn’t have been better –actually if u come to think of it thinks could’nt have been better –

having the time of my life – I seem to be having them all the time –well that’s how life is supposed to be – if ur doing it right –it has to be lived in such a way –that u always have the time of ur life ----actually happiness is in our hands right –I mean it really is right – In our hands – god u need to make sure u realize that – smiling is easier than frowning

hey I just had a thought – why do people ask if something is up when they see u madly smiling –see u jump up to catch those little tree branches –cause that is how ur supposed to be – not the glum sad faces the frown –which oddly enough people don’t seem to question – I wonder why ?? –I mean u are asked a question if u seem happy –assuming something is wrong –since god has supposedly made us to be sad all the time – bullshit –he made us so we could play in his garden –while we fragmented it and and I don’t know what we did of it –

so u see god made u happy not anything else –we chose to be sad –stupid huh? –hey do u think its time to change that …--hell yeahh

may god put a smile on ur face

tc

2006-11-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

Have my viva –in an hour –am sitting in 207.5—listening to dhaani –in the company of the ever effervescent nivie – and am trying to analyze my thoughts – well lets see –I can see myself listening to the strains of music – thoughts of Dc motor floating around – I find myself channeling positive thoughts about the result of my viva ---

Its in a subject I particularly like –but that doesn’t mean I am good at it – so I say buck ur seat belt and go for it ---am also thinking about a convo –I had sometime again – it has left me thinking about a lot of things –including the person I had the convo with – well what can I say –I am pretty slippery myself –funny although that is what I chastise pavan for most of the time—his crush of the week phenomenon – its like fun ---its like the saif character from D CH – if u know what I mean –

U know I wrote about –knowing u couldn’t have done better –well its true – man I slept today at 6 30 in the morning – cause I was completing my E tech assignment –

Hey I heard about our English teacher having a blog –would like to read it –she’s a character all right –

Lets see my exams are on the 20the and onwards –I have not studied a page –seriously - but I really need to get to work – u know –my maths is week ---my chem. Sucks –I haven’t worked on my e tech – hey coming to think of it – what am I good at

Hopefully u r saying blogging –but I am not so sure -- nivie has this wish for lucky ali songs –lets see -- idiot –but quite the good guy

Music – summer of 69 – reminds me of school –god it was god level – it was quite possibly the coolest time of my life – all we would do all day was have fun – I love our system of school – too good –unfortunately –cut at 10th grade – all those friends –those memories – those times – irreplaceable – the whole idea of growing up – the whole thing – lokhandwala – lokhandwala school --- our complexes –the school ground – hmmmm…

Well my E tech viva’s closer – so if u guys happen to read –it remember the silent prayer for the man on the gallows(me) – see ya

May god put a smile on ur face

tc

2006-11-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

Current music - vande matarm
Current location – S 207.5 – balcony
Mood – retrospective

Well I was talking to an old friend of mine – we hadn’t talked in like 7 yrs –we started off fun alright –all school memories –a lot of fun – total timepass – then we veered on to more serious stuff like teenage behaviour – and then finally on to the part of India – of how our country Is doing – its funny how it took someone in the US to make me realize that –there are things I deeply care about –which I once gave a lot of thought to and was now neglecting --- I wanted to teach in slums –in Mumbai –had contacted the organization in Mumbai which would help me do it –then somehow things didn’t materialize – and my sheer laziness –took me off – now that I think of it –may be I blew of somebody’s chance to come up in life – maybe I could have inspired someone –to be someone else – but I out of sheer laziness didn’t do it in the summers – then the idea in the back of my head of teaching in the slums –in the winter instead of teaching for money –struck me and I found myself promising to do it –

Here I was –all I could think of was when I’d next be able to eat pizza – when I realized people starving to death – while I could blow off money endlessly –rest assured the money’s waiting for me in the atm – its horrible – I am a horrible person –but its not too late I am going to change all that and do something I am going to find out about disha –I am going to help it in all the ways I can – I will make sure it is mentioned in the annual mag and the fortnightly newspaper I am in –I will also talk to the required people about the idea of adopting public schools in the neighborhood- while India is starving the select few rejoice –they are too busy thinking about how they can look cool or speculating the next change in fashion – I am going to do my bit for the people around me – lets see –like I said in one of my articles there is no greater satisfaction than knowing u could have done no better –so I will do as good as I can and will actually change the way the world functions at its level ---this is no declaration –it is a promise to myself – so lets see how I go about it --

Anyway the talk was awesome fun – good humour all around – for once I found someone who is really interested to what happens to the masses –she had actually been in govt hospitals in Gujarat –for a few weeks –seeing for herself how things are on the other side of the fence – I on the other hand –have gone 19 yrs without seeing whats life actually is - I want to badly help – u know what it reminds me of the time –I did those anti quota protests – I had never felt so alive --the one day hunger strike deserves special mention since that was like the first day in my life i had fasted and i am so happy i did it for a cause and beleive me even with no food in the stomach --we had felt more alive than anybody could -- so I guess this is one other thing which I am intensely passionate about –so I guess its time to take the plunge –

May god put a smile on ur face …

Tc

Ps: see ya for now I take the plunge into my e tech assignment – and viva prep

2006-11-07T12:27:00.000-08:00

I was reading the newspaper just now and I read an article regarding the emotional effect on a family which has faced the murder of a family member -- and because I was recently selected for a fortnightly newspaper I was thinking what it would be to face such a situation as in to write such an article u would have to interview the family in question – and because becaue of the obvious emotional aspect – how would I be affected – I mean to write such an article i would have to make sure that I do justice to both my readers and the family in question – -- I would have to sell the story and at the same time make sure I remember the fact that these are true emotions I am talking about – these things have actually happened to somebody

– I mean do we actually realize when we read newspapers that these are not some bland statistics – but real people – I mean nowdays – when we read in the papers that –for example 5 people have been killed in guwahati – do we realize that that these five people had five families – which would at that very moment be grieving the loss of their dear ones – we have become so immune to this whole thing – it just doesn’t make a difference to us – what we are looking for is more people being killed – when u see 200 killed – then u look up and notice as if the death of 5 people is acceptable and the death of 200 people is not – there is also the fact that –why do we see death as something so tragic – ( at the risk of sounding heartless -- ) we naturally assume that the person in question has something to greave about – I mean maybe – he is at a better place –

what I have learnt from my experience – is the importance of completing things – and more importantly completing relationships – since life itself stands for unpredictability – u cannot take it for granted that the person in question will still be alive when u are ready to reconcile – don’t wait – since u don’t know how much time u have in this world – I firmly believe that fighting with people u love or people whose death u cannot consider without pain is a sheer waste of time – since u are losing out on the time u could have spent together and time is something which we humans frankly cannot afford to waste – obviously this doesn’t mean that we proceed with life in frenzied hurry – actually it should mean the exact opposite since when we actually leave this place what would matter is not what u accomplished in life but rather what did u see in life – where u able to see its absolute beauty – whether u felt all ur five senses – whether u noticed those sounds in the background which ur mind tend to block – whether u noticed the vividness of the colors which ur eyes could perceive – whether u smelt the earthen smell accompanied by the first rains – whether u felt the soft freshly falling snow – whether u appreciated the spices on that hotdog u just had – whether u actually felt connected to ur partner in the act of making love – whether u experienced the heaven that this place really is --

being able to appreciate these proofs of life is the biggest gift u could inculcate in urself – it makes ur whole life a song and dance affair –u live totally in the now and there is no fear since u have tasted life like few before u have – but what is also important is to go after those dreams that u have nurtured since childhood – being able to fight the good fight for ur dreams is the best thing u can do – since the satisfaction of knowing that u did the best u could is irreplaceable – there is no bigger satisfaction on earth than knowing u could have done no better –

I have ranted for far too long on the stuff I not necessarily set out to discuss –but that is the nature of the human mind –to jump from one thing to another all joined to each other by a small thread – see ya

May god put a smile on ur face

tc

2006-10-30T00:18:00.000-08:00

so ya my second post and i am thinking of what to do --rather what to write --- and my brain( !!!) -(hey i need to check if i have one -- if u know of any test which tells u definitely if u have a brain or not -- do get in touch -- oops deviating from the topic ha -- hey wait a minute but i dont have a topic) -- aaah forget it -- just ignore the words in the bracket and read on ( u know sometimes i think i have split personality -- hey who has split personality --u see what i mean )
so back to the point -- my brain -- decides it has had enough for the day and decides it wants to go blank -- so u see the earlier para is a tribute to my blank brain --

i was wondering the other day about why so many people around the world are stuck on the net for so long daily ( me included)--

and what struck my mind was the fact is the question as to what exactly is the net i mean what does it stand for to us people who log on to the net almost everyday --
apart from the fact that it is a treasure house of information -- what is also a very important factor is that at any time there millions of people logged on to the net

so us people who are almost always hungry for company find that the internet provides this excellent media -- through which we can overcome a lot of our inhibhitions and try to find company in cyberspace -- this is actually a lot about the lonliness that surrounds us in this new and everchanging world order we are living in -- we are all used to ignoring people on the streets -- i cant remember the last time i smiled to stranger on the street -- on the streets of the modern world nobody has time to stop say a few friendly words - we are used to keeping our heads down -- or maybe up -- but never at level -- while walking on the streets engaged ferociously in our own battles with life -- and i am not saying its really our fault or something -- i mean the world today is changing so rapidly -- in all ways-- not only technological advancements -- but also in matters of ideas of religion of the fundamental way we think that
that our lives have been thrown into constant turmoil --

then is also the rise of increasing insecurity among not only people but nations at large -- people /nations have to project themselves as the best irrespective of what they are on the inside -- leading to the judjing times that we have come to live upon --- people judje each other indiscriminately -- which is like the main reason - people now no longer communicate that freely - by the fear of being judjed - forcing them to not voice their inner thoughts -- i mean judjing somebody else is like the most ape like things we can do -- in doing so we choose the easier but wrong path -- if we were to take only 2 minutes and put ourselves in the persons shoes -- we wouldnt be judjing people so much -- we also tend to forget that people change all the time -- that nobody stays stagnant even for a moment -- but we perceive ourselves and and others around us to have fixed ideas and fixed personalities -- when the truth is that we are like moving rivers - which keep on changing every moment -- so much so that the river u kept ur foot in is not the river that u removed ur foot from -- whoa !!!!!!!!!!

i deviated from the topic like hell ( this time i did have a topic ha !!)

i ' ll try to wind this internet addiction thing in another blog -- since i am not feeling like doing it a ot right now

anyway see ya people - keep reading -- ( hey let me say bye as well -- bye fellas - this guy writes like crap next blog will be by me so read that and dont waste time on this one -------------------- well what can i say -- )

may god put a smile on ur face --

tc

2006-10-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

MOHONA of thoughts -- ya i know what ur thinking what is this word mohona - well its a bengali word -meaning confluence -- when i first heard this word - this beautifull word -anyway --- it was used in the context of confluence of tributaries in sunderbans -- its a strangely mystical word i mean it sounds out of the world -- - and i love the way it is pronounced
mo-ho-na, mo and ho are pronounced as in HO - HO - HO the way santa is supposed to say

anyway -- well the other day before starting my own blog - i was wondering what is a blog supposed to be --or more aptly what is it -- is it like ur personal diary on the webspace or is it for those thoughts that cross ur mind and u want people to know that u thought 0f those things

or is it just for letting out some steam on how things work and ur silent observations --on these things -- to keep a record of the things that struck ur mind and to be able to study them at a leisure pace --

i think it can be a bit of all these things -- and thats the reason it is such a good thing -- cause its not straightjacketed at all -- people can twist the whole thing and regain their personality on the web atleast - in a world where people like idiots strive to be some body or something and in the process lose their individuality --

so lets see how things go for me in blogosphere --see ya guys keep reading