Current music – none

Current location – home ( is it ??)

Current mood – mixed

Well where do I begin – a lot of questions arise in my mind – a lot of thoughts sift through it – on one level I am stunned by a piece of news that my dear good friend dheeraj has conveyed to me --- mind u only stunned – I am pretty happy about it – although I didn’t see it happening I did never rule out the possibility of it happening --- still it’s a little weird and I cant help but think life will not be the same at kgp once I head back – but the best part is nivie’s reaction – the poor guy has gone into shock –lets see how much time it will take for him to recover – anyway life will be fun and things thankfully stand much clearer today than before – we have one major major problem wiped out from our head ----things have obviously dramatically changed over the vacations still change is welcome and I welcome it with open arms – lets see what life has to teach us at this turn –

I am not really very bored in Mumbai any more – the latest addition to my already overburdened schedule ( note this includes a lot of time ‘doing nothing’- a new zen form of meditation which I have taken a liking to) yesterday was this – a school friend of mine – lost her father --- heart attack u see ( do I sound cheerfull – I swear I am –not--) – so we went to meet her yesterday – I don’t know I feel kind of numb – I mean it wasn’t until I walked up into her flat that I was hit by some real feelings – I mean the whole thing felt so surreal – it was like --it’s a game or something – I mean I myself felt no emotional twinge uptill I met my friend – but I was shocked of the fact that why was I not feeling any emotions – I mean am I less than human now – I don’t even know what human is now – hey u know what its funny na – when we went up there talked to this friend of mine – and then came down back again – the one thing I was always conscious of – was smiling – we do tend to smile a lot u know – I mean I only realized it yesterday when we went up to her place and I mentally had a note of not smiling in my mind ( I know the drill-- why should smiling be bad anywhere – but dude I am at a friends place – I assure u at my death people will be given full license to smile) – but we do smile a lot – I wonder if it will be the same when we grow up – will we still be smiling like we do now –when we grow up more –I mean the “real” adults don’t really seem to be smiling so much – well who knows – but life is pretty unpredictable – i wish my friend all the best – I hope someone up there will give her enough strength to deal with the situation ---

Another thing crossing my clogged mind --- I just read about some of the dalit killings of khairlanji – man its gross – the whole way in which the upper caste worked to attack them – and the gruesome way in which people were attacked is unbelievable – I mean my mind has stopped working – its not human – my whole system is asking me what exactly is humanity --- I mean if people can act in this way then – what is life – and its not the act of a single human being – that ican be whisked away and explained – it was a community at large – how can they do it – how can people be so unpeople like – even animals wont be like this – they cannot be – I mean – if u get furious with the people who did this after reading the following account on this website ( http://www.geocities.com/badolesandeep/khairlanji.pdf ) --I don’t blame u – its absolutely normal --- how can they do it --- what is this caste system --- why was it born – who gave people the right to believe they are better than others – and this total abject domination – what does it all point to --- what kind of society are we –how can I say mera bharat mahan – after reading this – I mean in a country that prides on being family centric and modest and where sex is still a taboo --- how can a group of villagers with there wives inflict such damage on fellow human beings – what could be the provocation for this --- surely nothing can provocate people to commit crimes –the kind which I have ran out of adjectives to define ---- but it is the trend in India – inevitably people in our country choose to make sex an off limits topic --- and then crimes commited are sexual in nature – I probably don’t have to remind u the whole Gujarat affair --- where numerous women were gangraped ---- its……. I don’t know – this just pulls me -- the eternal optimist in a shade --- I don’t know – my country is in trouble ---- we are all in trouble ------ life doesn’t necessarily rock -- it may or may not – depending on how lucky u are and which end of the caste spectrum are u born in ………….

Sad …. I know

May god put a smile on ur face ( I propose a silent prayer for all those people caught on the wrong side of the crossfire – and also for those deranged souls --- who don’t really have souls ---- please please god bring peace to my world --- please ….)

Take care people --- cause I don’t know what this world will think of throwing at u next ….

See ya

A Cinderella story

Today at the centre I saw the power of stories – young kids mesmerized by stories – -- Cinderella --- a fairy tale about dreams coming true – held so much of a meaning for the kids … the response the story elicited at every twist and turn would have ekta kapoor envious ---- even though the story was in English and the kids at best faintly understood English – they had the pulse of the story – proving how these stories not only transcend national but even language barriers --- it seemed to me that I was again a kid of age 10 since the story though very well known to me – once again captured my attention – although I was deeply amused and affected by how the kids took the story … it is so very real to them that when u see them listening to the story – u urself cannot deny the realness of the story -- it was a like revisiting my childhoods.

All the girls managed to swoon at the costume of Cinderella for the ball – illustrated by a beautiful drawing – on being later asked to draw what they wanted to be when they grow up --- a lot of them drew doctors, lawyers etc but one managed to copy the Cinderella photo and proceeded to tell the teacher how she wanted to be Cinderella --- well what can I say ---- the students are absolutely adoring -- on the whole the whole experience is one that is as warm and good as freshly baked chocolate cake --- awesome I would say – made me revisit my grammar ---- I realized I am not the best category of people to teach grammar --- half done only but don’t feel like typing …. Well………………. See ya.

“why the hell didn’t you send the balance sheet till now --- I want it at the table now.” ----phooof ---- I am tired – shit I am tired – I don’t know why I just shouted like a demon from hell --- but looking at my reflection in the spick and span office that I have made for myself--- I see a tyrant – no longer liked by anyone – my marriage ain’t working –and nor do I really know my kids –I see someone who has given the best years of his life to work –only to find at the end – that he is at the same point as 20yrs back --- I feel despise for myself --- I don’t know I didn’t want this – I started as a merry young man – willing to dream big and work for it ---- but I ended up as this – I don’t know --…

“sir , the balance sheet.” ---“hey listen – I am sorry – have no right to shout at you like that – forgive me if u can, please “ ---“ you can go now ,thank you”,

looking down at the vast city sky line extending beyond my eyes – I see only failure --- the more people are scared of facing their realities – of staying on the ground --- the higher they make the buildings --- and people would pay anything to stay somewhere –which doesn’t make them realize who they really are – as am I – a mere pawn in this game – the society stifles me and I am forced to take shelter in height – and so I remain -comfortable in my own cocoon –knowing – yet not knowing that I am a refugee – on the run from my own country –the level ground and taking the abode of the birds ---

a knock wakes me up from my reverie --- “ come in “ ---- “sir, you have an appointment in 15 minutes, Mr gupta has called for conformation , and sir just a reminder – u have appointments lined up for the whole afternoon”

------ “hmm –listen cancel all my appointments for today and tell everyone that tomorrow’s a holiday – anyway kumar how’s your daughter --- and family “ -------“fine sir I’ll do that –sir and yeah my family is pretty happy – so is my daughter, thank you sir“

---- -“ yeah well, god bless you” ---

I cant take it anymore --- its stupid while my own family is breaking up –this guy has a happy family – and they told me – money could cure anything – how stupid – here I am at this point in my life – where I feel more dead than alive – where I dread waking up – since I would have to face the world – where I am still required to pretend in a stupid world that I am respectable and happy man --- I cant share my unhappiness – since I cant tell young people that money will not necessarily make you happy --- u know what I am going to do – I am going to exactly tell people that how screwed up it can get -------------------------------

Next day newspaper --- headlines ---

Shocking news --- gruesome incident --

Mr kedia commits suicide – throws himself with car over bridge – elaborate suicide letter found – company manager inherits billions from him --- family refusing to comment --- son reported to have said he was expecting it , reportedly brawled on hearing loss of inheritance --- industry pays homage -------------------------------------------------------

The silence on the other side of the gate – soldiers on one side trying to break it down – soldiers on the other side waiting patiently for the inevitable ---the fight till the end ---the heroism of it all --- but also the folly that it is -- man against man – cities burning – whole civilizations razed to the ground – yes I am living in such an age --- today it is my city – the place I have come to call home --- I wait on the other side --- THONG --THONG –THONG –THONG – the gate will not hold for long –“untilllll ….deaaaathh”---yes I say --- yes –it would seem a drug has coursed through my veins—for pain I feel not – fearless I have become – my wounds I cannot see—I raise my sword and let out a cry -- till death it will be ---and at last the gate gives way – and in comes a horde –out to destroy everything in sight --- fight we do –like never before – one .two .. three……nine ………..fifteen …..i lose count of how many souls I have sent to the heavens – the gods --- will they forgive me –they would I know –it is honour I fight for --- mine , ..my fathers ,…my lands --- I fight for good itself --- but who decides good , bad – wasn’t the last man I killed fighting for the same things as I –didn’t I see in his eyes –till my sword struck – the same honour and righteousness as shines in my eyes this very moment --- I cannot think – so I lift my sword once again and plunge into the horde --- steel meets flesh –my blade bathes in blood --- but the horde keeps pouring in --- it is an immeasurable tide of humanity –or is it humanity –no certainly not – I see fire – the burning of the dreams , the lives, the splendour , the rich history , the honour of my land – its over – they have taken my land --- its gone – but is it truly my land – a strange sense of peace overtakes me – I feel nothing – for the first time in my life I see things as they are and as I see the great bird fall and burn – the great fall of my land comes to me crystal clear– destined to death--- that’s what all things are ---the end of all things must come – I realize --- and so my city is reduced to ruins – I see the times I played on its mud lined streets –I see myself getting commissioned in the army – I see myself meeting her – I see our marriage – I see the numerous battles I have fought – I see my child --- and I see no more – darkness it is --- my wounds finally give way --- my broken body asks for rest and I embark on the longest journey of them all --- death…………

Goodbye

It’s the end today. The day u are born – u are marked – u have become marked by that guy up there who is the ultimate nemesis of the human being – death – so today I embrace it – its my time today – it has come to me today – like it has come to countless individuals before me – and will keep coming after me – taking with itself – each of u – to whom this open letter of mine is addressed – a luxury death has allowed me –as a last wish …..

Its funny how when u look back at it – time seems to have run along and brought me to my fate here – I remember times in my life when I wanted things to rush along – my painful times –the times – I wanted to grow up too fast – but standing here all those awkward times – seem so artistically beautiful – I wanted them rushed – I couldn’t take them at all – but now I look at those times with longing – hoping that I have not had rushed them – wishing time – even full of pain – but time --- since if there is something that tells u u are alive –its pain – alive –what a weird word – an adjective I used to describe myself as for so long – but wouldn’t be able to anymore – but strangely –I feel so alive – so fresh –as if I have woken up after a lifetime of sleep – but alas too late – or not --…..

But if I look back at life – I see no regrets – even death has been favorable too me –taking me in its shelter – saving me from times I probably couldn’t take – I have lived a life only of youth – something not many people can say – I have seen only true honesty and friendship – maybe a glimpse of true love – I have not grown up enough to see treachery – to see old friendships wither away against the many forces of life – I am content to have known life only in its most beautiful moments –

I would like to say thank you –a heartfelt one to all those souls – I have had the good fortune to connect with in this world here – I have received joy –un bound joy through all my encounters with all the people I have met – I hold no ill will against anyone in my life – I wish everybody all the best in there lives --- I can barely write this letter through my shaking hands --- but my heart cries out in gratitude – thank you everyone for the wonderful experience in life u have given me – all the beer parties pavan – all the nights dheeraj – the last minute scramble for assignments – the ETDS – workshops –the play itself – every one on the crew – the cut crew --- the governors – bhaatu of course –

-- all my school friends – my school teachers – rahul – man I am coming to meet u – just a few moments – all those stupidities in college – the gorai night out – nishi –all the fun we had – the stupid smoking up at 16 – thakur village – RD , bitu – dj – all of u u have contributed enormously to my life – I have had the good fortune – excellent fortune – of meeting u people – my parents of course – possibly the biggest influence in my life – u couldn’t have been better parents – my sister – my sweet sweet sister – I am going but remember – I am always there for u – for our connection cant be severed --all my teachers –whom I had the good fortune to meet --- nivie don’t I keep telling u I am the luckiest person on earth –well I am god dammit –I sure as hell am – cause I got to know u people -- I got to spend vital times with u guys – malini – my cute little sister – I will be looking over you from above – sweta – u and ur unlimited balance – heartfelt –u will have a blessed life – manisha – don’t be –ve – life is too good – believe me – and thanks for differential equation – hardika – well u are one happy person – stay that way – snob – well – santa – my last joke – u have an amazing attitude – but ur depressing times – can be a pain – believe in my favorite phrase --life rocks--- -- sashwat beta tu bada khush – hai khush hi rehna , dheeraj , pavan , nivie – I don’t even have to say anything to u since – I am so good at giving advice – u have been facing it for the last four months – but dheeraj remember – physicists are god – and mr niit diploma – u too remember it ……..

well don’t have too much time –I can taste blood – and for once.. – I cant even say see ya –cause I wont see ya – but – yes – may god put a smile on ur face –

ps ; don’t dare to cry for me – since the only thing – I am sad about – is getting separated from u guys – I fully intend to enjoy death as well – will miss u people forever and forever …….bye ---